December 20, 2007
Tired vs. Tired
These are words that are grouped together in my thesaurus... but do they really define how we feel?
I know that I am fatigued - more so than at other times... but I hadn't thought a whole lot about how it differed from fatigue I experienced before I was sick.
It struck me this week though - how different it is. Bill and Ellen got home from the first late night of Tech Rehearsals for Nutcracker. Both of them were exhausted - fatigued - very very tired. As we flopped into bed - I suddenly remembered that tired the feeling.
I probably experienced it the most that year that I was Mrs. Walbridge (Clara's mother) and Ellen was Clara. Not only did we stand and work and dance and rehearse for 7-8 hours straight, there was the 1/2 hour drive home and then we had to get Ellen's very straight hair, gelled and rolled for the next day of Clara curls. That week, I would flop into bed exhausted, and I awoke exhausted and did it all over again.
But as Bill and I went to bed this week - I realized my tiredness is different. It's hard to describe - but it feels really different to be fatigued, but not from activity. There's a flu like component. When I awaken, I feel sick - like I've stayed up at an all night party. It's a really different "tired" and I wish I could come up with a different word for it!
Last night, at Ellen's Dress Rehearsal for Spanish, we found out that the Mouse King might not make it to the School shows today (they perform for school children). They needed a stand in and I seriously considered doing it.
I came home and watched the video, tried some of the movements to make sure I wouldn't hurt myself and planned how I could pull it off. It's only a minute and half on stage... a sword fight with the Nutcracker. But dancer call was 7:30AM. I figured I could do it with a huge push and lots of one day meds.
But then, as I went to bed... I began to think about the whole week. Yes, I could probably pull it off... but at what expense? Most likely, at the expense of the rest of the week. Did I want to sacrifice the whole weekend of Nutcracker for one 1.5 min part on stage?
Well, if you've read my last couple of blogs, you know how much joy I'm experiencing, in watching Ellen dance. I decided it wasn't worth it. In the days before illness, I could push and be tired. Now, I can push, but then I've got nothing for days. That's a different kind of tired!!!
On a positive note... I am so glad that I can still push and do special things - even when they do cost me!!! But for this week - my push is a slow and steady one... trying to get myself to the Theater as much as possible to watch my beautiful daughter. I stayed home this morning - but I'm planning on watching Cast B (Ellen is Doll) dress rehearsal tonight!
I hope these blogs have done just a little to bring you all with me to the theater, because I love Nutcracker time. I am so blessed to have such a talented daughter who loves me and includes me in her joy of dance. And I am blessed to be able to get out of bed and watch rehearsals, and give input on the staging, and take pictures to store these memories.
I'll close with a big THANK YOU! Thank you to God, thank you to Ellen, and thank you to Jan!