There's not much I can tell you. I have new joint pain. One day last week, my legs were so shaky and weak I couldn't get up the steps into my house. Today is the first day in week that I've even felt able to process enough words to add anything to my blog.
Am I scared? Yes.
Am I content? No.
I wish I could switch these answers...
Am I thankful? YES! At least I can say I AM thankful!!!
I am thankful that my friend Melissa has survived yet another bought with Sepsis.
(This is a picture of Melissa and I when I was able to spend a couple of hours with her in Ohio this March). I am thankful for my computer and I am thankful that I have been given faithful and loving friends, like Emily, and Kristen, and Katey and Patti. They pray for me, process with me, laugh with me and cry with me. I am thankful for all the fun and wonderful art supplies around me. I am thankful that the library will mail me all kinds of educational videos. I'm thankful for a daughter who cooks for our family, a son who will take care of all kinds of needs around the house and a daughter who brought me a huge and delicious piece of chocolate cake! I'm thankful for my faithful husband. I am thankful for my recliner chair and my soft bed and pillows. I am thankful for medications.There is so much to be thankful for!
I know God will help me with my fears and my contentment. He continues to remind me of my Primary calling in life - to LOVE HIM!
So today - I listened to one of my favorite online preachers - Alastair Begg of Parkside Church in Cleveland Ohio. He has such a wonderful Scottish accent and such powerful and truthful teachings. I am in the process of listening to a series called "The Strength of Weakness".... pretty apropos don't you think?
You can hear Alastair on the Truth for Life website http://truthforlife.com/
Thank you for checking in on me and reading my blog. You can pray for me to patiently endure this down time, to have wisdom in pursuing medical help, and that, soon, I could again answer "No, I'm not scared" and "Yes, I am content".
Melanie!
ReplyDeleteI get to leave the first commment! Woohoo! ;) And I was in your blog! That's pretty exciting too. Most exciting was the picture of you and Melissa b/c I really have not seen many, if any, pictures of the two of you. (BTW, Melissa is the Meet the Member this month on DINET, so definitely check it out!).
In all seriousness though...I think you wrote beautifully, especially considering how brain fogged you are. It is so very hard to find contentment in the times when things are getting worse or during relapses. It is so hard not to be scared and wonder, 'Is this ist? Is this my life? Can I live my life like this and be content? Will things get worse?' And, because NO ONE can answer these questions for us, we can only pray that they will change, that they will improve, that we will find contentment, that we will not feel fear.
I've been quiet myself for different reasons (and the fact that the Lyrica has me pretty loopy and brain fogged myself!) but I AM HERE for you and thinking of you every day.
Thank you for blogging and telling us all how you are feeling.
LOVE YOU,
Love, Emily
Melanie,
ReplyDeleteJust a couple of more thoughts!
Your post reminds me so much of how even in our gratitude, we feel grief. I find this such a challenge--because while there are many things to be grateful for, as you mentioned (i.e. I know that I am VERY lucky in soooo many ways), I STILL feel grief. I think the hardest part is to give ourselves permission to feel both. I am always somewhat awed at the combination of grief and gratitude in my life and their presence on an almost daily basis.
Love, Emily
Thank you my dear Emily. That is just so true... giving ourselves permission to feel both. I think that's why I needed to write this today - because I needed to tell people where I really am... and yet I also wanted to be grateful for things that I wouldn't have if I wasn't sick. It "feels" like we can't do both - but we can!
ReplyDeleteI love you too!!!
Melanie you are in my thoughts and prayers! I love you.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you dear. If you're up to it, visit with Rest Ministries National Invisible Illness Awareness Week starting Monday. That may lift your spirits.
ReplyDeleteHere's the link:
http://www.restministries.org/invisibleillness/update1.htm
Blessings and (((Hugs)))
Hi Melanie,
ReplyDeleteI am a 27 years old christian from Romania, I just find your website and read from your story.
You are an exemple of faith for me! I appeciate your warm and sincere heart.
I will pray for you! God bless you and all your family!
Love in Christ,
Cristina
John 14:27
How wonderful to meet a new friend from across the world! Thank you for visiting my blog Cristina!
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